A love affair...

Ok. So I don't remember the day that I fell in love with Country Music. Wait!!! Maybe I do. I was experiencing a growing fascination with a genre of music that I didn't know a thing about and lyrics I couldn't relate to if I tried. I wasn't sure what was so great about East Tennessee, I had never gone swimming in a creek or watering hole, didn't know what a two-step was, or, AHEM.... why there would EVER be a tear in someone's beer (much less motivation to write a song about it)! Maybe peer pressure was one of the reasons I had always hated country music. Maybe the other reason was that I grew up listening to Nas, Cormega, Biggie, Puffy, Tu Pac, Da Brat and the Fugees! lol. Didn't see that one coming did you?

Anyway, back to the story... I grew up with a GREAT family and a safe home environment, but outside of that I saw and experienced quite a war zone. Sometimes, I made good decisions and sometimes some were not too smart, but I mostly stayed out of trouble. I went to large schools with kids from every imaginable background and ethnicity. I was able to view plenty of people's lives up close, friends, peers, their parents, many who led lives I was pretty sure I didn't want when I got older. My friends dealt with their parent's nasty divorces, got an abortion at a young age or went into High School struggling with an alcohol/Pornography or Drug addiction. My parents decided to adopt and at age 9 I acquired a sister who was...9 too! We could've been twins, if we hadn't been as different as night and day in every way, starting with skin color. My sister was African-American. I was Caucasian. She grew up with enough odds stacked against her it would make your head spin. I had both parents who loved each other and 3 doting and loving older brothers. Together she and I started the journey of adolescence trying to do our best to navigate the challenges of adolescence, transracial adoption and how God fit into our life, decisions and view of ourselves. More on that later...

Fast forward to the day I fell in love... with Country Music. It was 2009 and I was living in a small town in Southern Virginia in my parent's home again. I was a college grad, had lived in NYC for a couple years, spent 7 months living and traveling in Italy, France and Switzerland and was currently a 25 year old, frustrated MBA student having a "Quarter Life Crisis". I had many rich life experiences to that point, joys, heartbreak, new relationships, personal growth, intimate lessons on grace and forgiveness, new friends, loss and a challenged perspective of my trust in God and his timing. I had decided to move back home with my parents for a time and rest my weary spirit. Shortly after I moved home a self-acclaimed "Farm Boy" from Pennsylvania became a good friend of mine. He had such a zest and infectious appreciation for the simple things in life that I had lost track of. The heart of life wasn't supposed to be as complicated as it had become for me. He insisted that Country Music was "God's Music" (ha!) and couldn't believe I had never listened to any of it. We took a drive in the mountains one fall day enjoying the change of leaves and cool weather. His quest was to create a country music lover out of a city girl like me. He played a couple songs and explained the meaning of the lyrics and many were really sweet stories. one of them was a song that I could relate to! It was like a spirit balm for me. I was on a search for a fresh God, for what my purpose was in life and for a new identity as I entered a new season of life in womanhood. What was next for me? Where had I come from and where was I going?

Disclaimer: When Kenny Chesney wrote the song I think he was confused and meant to use the Yankees Baseball Cap and New York in the subject line...

Boston by Kenny Chesney
"She comes from Boston, works at the jewelry store
Down in the harbor, where the ferries come to shore
She never really knew how good it would feel
To finally find herself in a place, so warm and real

She wears a Red Sox cap to hide her baby dreads
The girl she was in New England, is different now and dead
In all the local bars, she flirts and tells the boys
While they're talking, she's from Boston

She comes from Boston, talks to her family, now and then
Through e-mails and post-cards, she tries to explain to them
That education and occupation will have to wait for now
She loves the Rosta Reggae rhythms, her dreams have changed somehow

She wears a Red Sox cap to hide her baby dreads
The girl she was in New England, is different now and dead
In all the local bars, she flirts and tells the boys
While they're talking, she's from Boston

Her toes dig deep and deeper in the sand
She's seduced by the sunsets and her new life at hand

She wears a Red Sox cap to hide her baby dreads
The girl she was in New England, is different now and dead
In all the local bars, she flirts and tells the boys
While they're talking, she's from Boston

She wears a Red Sox cap to hide her baby dreads

From Boston
She came to this island from Boston"

This song was about a girl like me who wanted to get out of the city and go to a carefree place where she could meet new people and have some new experiences. She kept a piece of the city identity with her, but she let the sunsets and the simple joys of life seduce her and give her a new vision for life.

That girl sure sounded a lot like me.

A blog about blogging....

Since I spend time being overwhelmed about what I should blog about next, I figured I'd just blog about the fact that I can't decide what to write about first. That is entirely because I have so many thoughts in my head at any given time that I want to sort through or even share with those who care to read. My mind is full of thoughts that have been influenced by what I have read and through my own personal lens of unique life experience. Do I write about why I dislike NYC, yet find myself living here, or why I want to move to Israel one day? Or why I am filled with love and compassion for the people in the Middle East who are experiencing oppression and horror at the hands of dictators with some wild eschatological beliefs and don't give people the freedom to choose their own religion? I can't handle small talk and I get bored easily. I feel a laser focus of intensity on the gathering of knowledge and understanding. If I am not learning something new I am truly bored. Reality TV bores me. Shopping bores me. Cocktail Parties bore me. An insatiable appetite for knowledge and a desire to build meaningful relationships with others interest me. That explains why I am spending Saturday night watching a documentary of New York City starting from the very beginning of the founding of a Dutch Fur-trading Colony in the 1600's.... LOL. I really have to remind myself to loosen up sometimes. "Hey Trinity! Loosen up!" There. I said it. to myself. Ha!

I have been training myself to become a morning person and that has become my favorite time of day! If you knew me in college you are staring at that last sentence in shock. Mornings are so fresh and they feel so warm as I loose myself in a hot cup of heaven... I mean coffee, and the words of an ancient book that comes alive with hope and feeds my parched spirit. The Bible. I'm entirely aware of my depravity as a human, but so aware of the deep love of a heavenly father I can't see, but can always feel his presence. I have such a sensitive heart these days. I cry softly the entire length of Praise & Worship/Special Music at church every time I go.....I see pain around me and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders sometimes. I care about people and want others to know peace with God that can't be affected by any circumstances surrounding us. That is my desire. I get overwhelmed in my spirit with love for others and I'm paralyzed by my desire to help others, but not knowing where to even begin. So I start by smiling at a stranger or saying Good Morning to the bus driver... I can start there and remember that God is responsible and very capable of saving the world and its not up to me!

I was reminded of 2 facts of life last night at church. Fact #1: Life is Short. aaaand Fact #2: Life is Long. It's funny how both of those can be so true and at the same time! Every day and minute counts and is so precious when you think about it. The Bible says we aren't promised tomorrow and today really is a gift that is to be used. It is a resource and every human gets the same amount of time every day whether you are rich or poor. It doesn't matter. We ALL get 24 hours. I don't want regrets and I want to say a lot of "I love you's" every day. And when you think about the fact that life is long you must remind yourself that what you do today shapes your future. I'm only 26, but that's given me thousands of days so far and who knows how many more! To be honest it doesn't really matter how many more. That's God's department :)

I feel less burdened already. Like I just counseled myself through my own blog entry....

The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber...

The past 2 months I have gone through such a personal transformation. I don't see the world through the same eyes that I used to.... Everything is different and I feel I have a sixth sense of the spiritual sort. Nothing around me is really as it seems. Like Neo in the Matrix I feel like I've woken up from an oblivious state and I see things differently. I see my finances differently, my friendships, the culture in which I live, the people I've met in my world travels. Some Sara Groves lyrics come to mind:

"Something changed inside me broke wide open all spilled out
Till I had no doubt that something changed. Never would have believed it till I felt it in my own heart
In the deepest part the healing came"

I have found personal healing of the heart, but now I am so utterly aware of the painful and broken world around me. Though I am a follower of Jesus Christ I am not exempt from suffering or feeling physical, emotional or spiritual pain.

A mentor of mine shared the verse with me yesterday that really gave me added perspective. It is in the book of Romans verses 11-12 in the Bible: "The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here."

That makes sense. The world is in upheaval. natural and catastrophic disasters are happening every day on continents around the world, we are fighting unconventional wars in a region of turmoil and confusion. Is God still around and involved? Does he have anything to say about what's happening today? Yes, he most definitely is and I plan on finding out what he wants us to know and learn about the world around us. A lot of people are walking around as if we have 1,000 years to live on this earth. We don't. At best we've got about 50 or 75 total. There's more to life than what we see. Much much more....

Come on this journey with me.

Date a girl who reads.

An article by Rosemarie Urquico:
"Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes..."


Couldn't have said it better myself. So I won't.

Valentine's Day

I am happier than I have ever been in my season of singleness right now. Over the years I have experienced a roller-coaster of experiences in relationships and questioned God's timing. I am so at peace with where the journey has taken me and the strength of character God has developed in me through my own pain, tears, impatience and bad decisions made when I moved ahead of God without letting him lead. I have a purpose that has been given by God before I was even born. I strive daily to stay in step with my Lord. He made my heart and knows me most intimately. He has filled me to overflowing with love and purpose and I'm lacking nothing in my life. My time is precious and I need to be discerning with how and who I spend it with... God is fully capable of clearly showing me if a man that is pursuing me is one that needs to be in my life. Until then, I will live each of my days just as I am now, with expectancy of all the God is doing in the world and how he wants me to be a part of his plans. God has been bringing liberating perspective in my life on every front, including: finances, faith, intellectual growth and peace. It isn't easy by any means to be a young, single woman in a big city, but I am blown away that God believes I'm strong enough to handle it, and not just handle it, but thrive in the circumstances. I'm convinced of the love of Jesus Christ and trust his promises that he will give me everything I need to live a life of victory in every area!

Parable of the Great Banquet as taught on the A train

I stared aimlessly out the window as the subway hurdled through the underground tunnels. I caught some movement out of the corner of my eye and looked over at a crippled man started making his way onto our train with great difficulty. It seemed as if every limb of his wanted to go in a different direction. He had a kind face and appeared to be in his early 40's. He began to speak and though his speech impediment made it hard for him to speak in complete sentences, it wasn't hard to understand what he was saying. He had 3 children at home to feed and his benefits just weren't enough to make ends meet....

Now, New Yorkers see many people every day begging on the train. Usually the men and women are dirty and have torn clothes and evidence of drug/alcohol abuse or mental instability. This man was different. You could tell that he cleaned up as nicely as he could and had this genuine, strong voice as he told his story and made eye contact. I fought back tears as almost every person on the train within ear shot started giving him money before getting off. The man was thanking God and everyone profusely and his face was radiant with gratefulness!

I couldn't help but think of the Parable of the Great Banquet in the New Testament where Jesus is teaching and urges those near to him to not just invite friends, family and rich neighbors when you have a luncheon or feast, for they will probably invite you to one of their parties at some point and repay the favor. In Luke 14:13-14 "But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous."

This is God's plan for sharing his love with desperate people and meeting their needs. He could easily drop supernatural "manna" from the heavens... OR he may just want to share the joy around and let US be a part of his provision! Nothing is more liberating than holding the resources God has generously provided each of us with open hands.

Pay it forward.

"I will take a stand at my watchpost and station myself on the tower, and look out to see what he will say to me."- Habakkuk 2:1

I'm thinking about my "watchpost" today. Though my heart is always full of wisdom the Lord gave and vision for my future, I get frustrated sometimes when I try to live in the future or in my own timing. I constantly spend time alone in my thoughts processing my desires and dreams. Where is my time best spent? What is your definition of success for me? It's not money, unless I'm giving it away... I don't care anything of fame unless it is your fame Jesus. Your message of freedom is so powerful that it is illegal in 52 countries. How can I best show what has changed my life as I daily understand who I am because of the passion of Jesus and how it brought him to the pain of crucifixion?

I consistently remind myself of the times God has been patient and faithful and showed me clearly the way to go or opened a door for me to walk through... He made it clear to me, though I was slow to agree, to come back to NYC. All my provision (work, $$) dried up in other cities and I knew deeply in my heart that I wasn't to take an office job or something to just make money and survive. I can't be mediocre. As long as I am clearly at peace with God and on the path he has given me then I will take any risk necessary to obey. Now I must know what the commands are.... My "watchpost" is working in New York City and maximizing my free time to reflect and sit still. I will station myself here and listen to what The Lord will say. Just as Habbakuk wrote these words of surrender to God's timing I am taking them to heart. He struggled just as I do with watching the evil in the world and wondering why God wasn't interceding where there was such a wealth of social injustice and violence. Just as Habbakuk did I can boldly approach my Lord with concerns and still have courage as I glimpse God's sovereign rule and hope to trust in God's plans regarding the dark days ahead. I am encouraged by the example of honesty and boldness Habbakuk showed.

Hab. 1:1-4

"How long, O Lord, must I call for help?... Violence is everywhere but you do not come to save....Must I forever see these evil deeds? Why must I watch all of this misery? The law has become paralzed , and there is no justice in the courts. The wicked far outnumber the righteous, so that justice has become perverted."

The Lord's response to Habbakuk (1:5) is so encouraging:

"The Lord replied,

"Look around at the nations; look and be amazed!

For I am doing something in your own day, something you wouldn't believe

even if someone told you about it."

I promise to look around at the nations, God and see what you are doing around the world. You have not left your people suffering alone... Thank you for reminding me. Hope is always alive, even in perilous times. You have called me and others to minister to the suffering on your behalf. Give me vision for my role.