New York Neighbors

 "And I always heard people in New York never get to know their neighbors."

-Paul Varjak "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Occasionally I have a flashback of some of my silly experiences here in NYC...It was the year 2007 and I had graduated from college the previous year and was substitute teaching in Harlem and South Bronx while studying for a Master of Education degree online. I'll never forget the day that I gained all new respect as the token white girl in my entirely Dominican Harlem neighborhood. I got a phone call that Sunday evening : "Hey Trinity! We're downstairs." said the man's voice. I went downstairs,walked outside of my apartment building and headed for the black car waiting on the corner. The Brand-new glossy, black Lexus with 24 inch rims and dark black tinted windows was waiting and I slid in the backseat. There was Stephon Marbury, point guard of the New York Knicks at the time and his sweet daughter Stephanie in the passenger seat. We were doing a quick in-person interview after speaking on the phone a couple times about tutoring Stephanie in her schoolwork as she was just entering middle school at the time. The three of us shared some laughs, had a great chat for 20 or 30 minutes and set up a time for our first tutoring session that coming week before they headed downtown to drop Steph at her mom's apartment. As I stepped out of the backseat and walked back to my building I realized that people were staring at me and as I looked at their faces I realized the expressions consisted mostly of fear and awe. Though slightly confused at first, I realized that they must've concluded that I was involved in the Washington Heights/Harlem Narcotics trade somehow and that I must have some pretty powerful connections they knew nothing about... The thought really made me chuckle under my breath as I thought about how shady that little interview must've looked to my neighbors! lol. From that day forward, in addition to my time hanging out on my block discussing life and God with the local drug dealers, we all became friends and I suddenly acquired a couple dozen neighborhood bodyguards. If a stranger on my block even looked at me sideways my new friends (who were outside 24/7) would call out to me: "Don't worry Neighbor! We got 'chu! He won't bother you." Some of the other guys on the block whom I didn't know as well would say "Good Day Officer" sometimes as I walked by thinking I was an undercover cop. I couldn't convince them otherwise... I had never felt so safe in my life.

This was just one of those "Only in New York..." stories that still makes me laugh to this day.

The 2 year itch

"Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

-Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NLT, The Holy Bible)

" Poor cat! Poor slob! Poor slob without a name! The way I see it I haven't got the right to give him one. We don't belong to each other. We just took up one day by the river. I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I'm not sure where that is, but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's."

-Holly Golightly "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Maybe like Tiffany's... or just NYC itself... I should think that journals must be mandatory for people who think about as much and as often as I do. Who else would want to listen to the constant musings of my mind, other than my Creator himself? If I want the thoughts to make some semblance of sense I have to write them down because then I have to follow a train of thought so I arrive at some conclusion. As I attempted to sort through my complex mind through writing my thoughts wandered to the point of wondering how many cities I'd lived in over the last 10 years and for how long each stint... What I came to realize was that I was approaching my limit. I had been back in NYC again for 2 years now and I don't know how much more stir-crazy I can be. In the past, this was usually around the time when I heavily began plotting my next adventure or just started to slowly die inside...

New York City is my "black hole". When I don't know where to go next, the endless possibilities of NY suck me in and I get drawn back into the Matrix! I blend back into the rat race and it's very conveniently never the same because the constant river of life is always flowing with people coming and people going. Most will just ask where you've been and how come you haven't been around  for a long time. It is the only city on the planet that has kept me occupied with adventures and unchecked spontaneity for 2 years straight. Well, that's kind of a lie, because the first year back here this last time around I was all over the U.S. every week for work. Anywho, because New York City never fails to deliver in the area of adventures it's a place where even the strangest of strange fit right in. There is inclusion and room for everyone here. Just choose the neighborhood and BAM! reinvent yourself!! God bless NY for that. It's a false sense of reality though, because its too easy to hide here. You can fly under the radar quite easily. You can play the part and be a fake... There is a new adventure to be had each and every day. The problem is that if you don't take breaks from these adventures and leave for a time you begin to think that NYC is the real world and that it's fine to not know who you are and what you want. It's not.

The closest to alive I've ever felt is boarding a plane for an new destination or hiking a mountain I've never climbed before. All for the thrill of standing at the top surveying the scene, which is at all times quite glorious in unique ways. Where is the best place for the girl who always wants to meet new people from different cultures? for the girl who wants to read every book ever written? and master every subject? I think it leaves me confused because I lack a sense of reality. Where is the line between reality and imagination?
As Christmas approaches it reminds me of the last of my memories of home that I remember... Being the youngest of 5 children and parents that were just zany enough to trust God with every aspect of life, including trans-racial adoption. Because the bullying of schoolmates in my childhood drove me deep into my books, I enjoyed the times when I felt safe. Sitting in the warm family room with my family in pajamas made life appear magical and all was right with the world.

Maybe I haven't felt a sense of home since then. One day this side of heaven I might experience the sense of home once again. Until then the gnawing desire remains and I welcome it gladly now because it is much less painful than giving up hope in the search...

Jesus and questions

Jesus apparently loved to ask questions. He never told people exactly what to think. He told lots of stories in parable form and asked them questions, burning questions that left the individual speechless. They were speechless for different reasons. Many were offended or defensive, some were shocked and others were dumbfounded because this is the first time they realized they didn't know the answer... Jesus didn't ask questions for himself. He knew the answer, but did we?  He asked not for his benefit, but for the benefit of the person asked. They pierced through to the very center of the person's heart and soul leaving then beneath an avalanche of emotions to begin sorting through. The funny thing about religion is that we have forgotten how radical Jesus was. He didn't come to earth to get everyone in a straight line, like a bunch of programmed well-behaved robots behaving properly and living perfect lives. He was radical. He didn't care about outward behavior as much as he cared about the heart and motives. He came to throw out the law and free us from our crippling pride. Love and pride occupy the same space in our hearts and there is only room for one to stay. Only one of them will make us free. Jesus knew that, but do we?

Really though. The question that pierces my broken heart now is: "Do you want to be healed?" A truly loaded question...

A crippled man lay next to the healing waters in Bethesda. He very literally was AT a pity party, minus the D.J. and VIP guest list. That room was full of people who desperately needed healing.You could find the blind, deaf, lame and crippled of the city in this very hall. The Bible says he was crippled for 38 years.  He had been there a long time. How painful must it have been for him to watch the waters stir and bubble up only to realize that every time they did someone else got to them first and received healing. He knew the routine. Even got comfortable and expected it and nothing more. To feel hope arise, spend time dreaming of what it would be like for a dream to come to and then watch another person live his dream. How many times do you watch that before you lose heart?

The very problem with Jesus' question is that the acceptance of his offer means you have to leave pride and self-pity behind. They can't come too. The man knew them so well though. They were his companions just as they are my companions today. To be bluntly honest, I am used to not being asked out on dates. I am used to not being pursued by good men. I am used to the other model booking the job I want. I have gotten comfortable with surviving and lying to myself. Pain of the past reminds me that desiring more than survival alone has gotten me into trouble in the past. I know what it feels like to be Job during the first half of his story in the Old Testament. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."  Jesus entered the scene by the pool of Bethesda at that very moment, just as he enters the heart of a woman resigned to her cell in the heart of Manhattan... John 5:6 "When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” Jesus knew this was a crossroads for the man who had grown comfortable in captivity, because he had been there so long. C.S. Lewis summed it up well in The Problem of Pain: "A familiar captivity is frequently more desirable than an unfamiliar freedom." What happened when he was healed and free? What would he do then? Makes me think of the inmate in Shawshank Redemption who spent basically his whole life in prison and suddenly found himself on the other side of the gates as an old man. He couldn't handle it and tragically took his life because the weight of the freedom crushed him. The hope we have is that Jesus will show us how to live with freedom. He promises to put an end to our shame and to fight for us (more on this later...)

Will we accept this healing, crush the hindrance of pride and allow our God to do some of the fighting for us and for our heart? He doesn't force us, but he offers joy and company for the journey. We just have to take the first step of faith and "get up"...

Two Roads

A deep desire lies within me... Many of them actually. Funny saying that, because I forgot, or just chose to. My true confession is that I have a hidden talent or habit of stuffing desire. I'm good at it. I can bury it so deeply it will disappear completely. I learned it many years ago. Disappointment taught me to survive by getting rid of those desire I didn't have mental capital or faith to entertain. However, I'm facing a season of life as a woman where they are all rising to the surface at the same time, but I am doing my best to face them one at a time. Back to the one I'm thinking of this morning. Some days I acknowledge it and other days I ignore it. The question still remains. How do I live with it? I desire adventure and simplicity, at the same time. Is it even possible to acquire both of these and at the same time? I see pictures of mountains, forests and cliffs overlooking the sea and even have occasionally gotten to experience getting close to my dream.
Standing a top a mountain is the closest I've gotten. It is one of my favorite places to be in the whole world. It gives that fleeting feeling of ecstasy... the feeling that you completed the journey successfully and didn't give up. I wish life was this simple, but life is more of a marathon based on endurance, than a leisurely day hike. As much as we desire true rest at the end of a long journey this eludes us. The interesting thing about life is that you NEVER fully arrive at the end of enlightenment or growth, not this side of heaven. Sometimes, you may grow and develop yourself so intensely for years that you get to a place where you don't even realize who you've come. For better or worse.
In my case its for the better, but since it also leaves me feeling recently like I'm living someone elses life or that I showed up a bit late for my own. I can't shake this feeling that I've walked into the movie of my own life about 45 minutes late.What happened at the beginning? I don't understand the conflict. What caused the climax and how does the character resolve it? I think it is very possible to be so focused on surviving, providing yourself and distracting the heart with trying to meet everyone elses needs that you wake up one day and realize you don't know what you want and you don't have any dreams left. It is a scary, empty place to be and the reason I know is that I am that person.
That is when you reach a crossroads. You have to decide whether you will give up and let your spirit die or whether instead you will face rising desire with squared shoulders and face set like flint in steely determination. Robert Frost really did describe it best:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

It doesn't matter how many friends you have, how much or that you fight through 8 million souls to get to work on time each day. This place of the journey is one that you face as a lone traveler. No one can make the decision for you. I want to look back at the end of my life and know I took the one less traveled. The one that is too risky for the masses to take... The one where you awaken desire and face it like a champion.
No wonder Solomon, one of the wisest kings to ever live left this advice in the book of Proverbs 4:28. "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life." Many times Christians remain focused on citing this scripture when referring to human love and relationship with a significant other. I think that is missing the point if we camp on that as the only interpretation. If we are spiritual being than there is much more to the condition of the heart in relation to our Creator. There is much more to this scripture and much more meaning to glean from the words of advice. If your heart stops beating in the physical body, then you die. What happens when your spirit stops dreaming?

The Lord of the Rings

First of all, I have a confession to make. The first time I saw The Fellowship of the Ring movie in the theatre I fell asleep and took a peaceful nap most of the movie until the Orgs burst onto the scene. Apparently, no one told them about "6-inch voices"! Before you lose total respect for me and think I'm totally lame, let me explain... For starters, I had a cold and was really tired. Second and final point, I was a 16-year old high school girl who had an extremely hard time distinguishing the good guys from the bad guys, because everybody had long hair and strange shaped ears. Ok, end of story and subsequent rabbit trail. Also, now that I understand the story line they are some of my favorite movies and I eagerly await The Hobbit's debut next year! Moving along...

"I wonder what sort of tale we've fallen into?" 

-J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Being a Christian is about as boring as being Frodo or Sam in the Lord of the Rings... I say this completely out of love, but anyone that is under the impression that living as a follower of Jesus is boring, is quite misguided. Every mistake in life has a price attached and being ignorant of your purpose or the fact that you have one is too expensive a mistake to make. Read on.....Believe me, if you are doing life the right way, you will be in for an epic journey! 

Can I just say from my heart, as if I were sitting across from you and we both had coffee mugs in hand, you were lovingly thought of by a god in heaven that had a purpose in mind for you from the very beginning? 

"For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you."

Psalm 139:13-18

I don't care if that's the first time or the 200th time you've read it, read it again and again if you need to to let the words sink in! 

I have really begun to understand my life in this framework of an epic story, because I understand what it's like to be the main character in the middle of the story where you think the end has just taken place, having a hard time realizing that it's far from over.

One of my older brothers loves the writings of Frederick Buechner and in his work Telling the Truth, Buechner describes the Gospel story of Christianity in the following way:

"It is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. it is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard  to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name... That is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still."

Now is the time...

John 6
³⁵ Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst. ³⁶ But I said to you that you have seen Me, and yet do not believe. ³⁷ All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out.³⁸ For I have come down from heaven, not to do My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me. ³⁹ This is the will of Him who sent Me, that of all that He has given Me I lose nothing, but raise it up on the last day. ⁴⁰ For this is the will of My Father, that everyone who beholds the Son and believes in Him will have eternal life, and I Myself will raise him up on the last day.”


I've always been quicker to listen, observe, watch and reflect, than to speak. My early years were spent listening and observing the teachings of Jesus through church, watching my parents and hearing the Words of God in scripture. The earliest memory I can conjure up is sitting in the passenger seat of the car in the parking lot of Ralph's grocery store discussing salvation with my mother. It was just a couple months after my 4th birthday at that time. I reached out to my mother the other day to ask her what she remembers of that day. She had written this entry in October of 1988, Southern California:


"I had talked to Trinity the night before, once again, about the plan of
salvation. On this day as we were driving into the parking lot at Ralph's
grocery store in Portola Plaza, Mission Viejo, Trinity said, "I've got God in
my heart!" After questioning her, she said she asked Jesus in, that He'd
never leave her, that His Spirit was in her heart, and His body was up in
heaven! Another sign of her independent spirit -- to do it "BY HERSELF!" -my Mother

^{2 Corinthians 6:2}

^{2 "}For he says,

“In the time of my favor I heard you,
    and in the day of salvation I helped you.”

I tell you, now is the time of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation."

I always knew there was a God and I have never once doubted his existence my entire life. I did many years later doubt that his intentions for me were good though (more about that later). I knew God's presence deeply and personally from that young age forward and realize now that though salvation is an experience and decision that happens once and it sets a course for the rest of your life. It was the starting line of a race, the gun went off and I started running.....

Hebrews 12

 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ² We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ³ Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up."

Where life begins...

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. So if you're feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending." -Neale Donald Walsch

I am a very private person. My deep light and love for people of all shapes and sizes and from all backgrounds even masks the fact that I get my energy from being alone. Only those who have lived life alongside me know the amount of time I spend alone to balance my career, social life and ministry. My privacy is a comfortable place for me emotionally, but I have a story to tell. Whether you have known me as Model, Senior Class President, MTV Reality TV Star, co-worker, Prayer Group leader, Traveler, friend, acquaintance or maybe you know nothing at all about me... 

Social Media is an amazing tool of technology, but it is superficial and might cause you to believe that my life is very predictable and that success and adventure are all an easy flowing part of my life. It would be disrespectful to God himself to not share my journey of freedom. I am not the woman I am today because life has been super fun and a long “mountain top experience” with lots of new opportunities constantly coming my way. No one on Facebook or Twitter saw me curled up in the fetal position clutching my chest as if it would hold a broken heart together or the expletives in my prayer journal as I poured out my frustration to God about my teenage years... I have kept my struggles, spiritual revelations and past pain of deferred dreams a secret, but I want to take a flying leap out of my comfort zone and share some of it, so that it can help other women. I don't want my pain and mistakes to be wasted. Life is a battle to be fought. There are 2 sides: Light and Darkness, and there is no neutral ground. 

“The men and women who are truly filled with light are those who have gazed deeply into the darkness of their own imperfect existence.” –Brennan Manning

The Campaign

Though I don’t really much any TV, other than Sports and the News I always enjoy a comedy! Who doesn’t need some comic relief in our day of wars, crime and natural disasters? It makes sense why “Seeking a friend for the end of the World” with Steve Carroll and Kiera Knightly got some good reviews. Now I am seeing ads around New York promoting the latest comedy “The Campaign” starring Will Ferrell and Zac Galifanakis. This film will no doubt be hilarious, considering the A-Team they cast for it! However, the more I thought about it just made me sad. Is this what our great democracy has become? A big joke? The American Soldiers, who are missed by their loved ones and are risking their mental, physical and spiritual health in life, are fighting a war for the ideals and freedom of a government that is just a big joke?

Last week I got on a kick of watching epic themed films to decompress and remind myself of historic examples that morals and integrity still can exist in this morally loose culture I find myself living in. I couldn’t help double fist-pumping and practically bouncing up and down on the bed as Maximus fought for Strength and Honor in The Gladiator, Natty Bumppo fought for freedom and love in The Last of the Mohicans and William Wallace led the Scottishmen from the front lines into a battle, rousing them from selfishness and reminding them that it is better to die for freedom, than to die warm and cozy in thier bed as a coward. The most recent epic film I watched was The Patriot, also starring Mel Gibson’s character as a single American father of 7 children during the Revolutionary War. His sacrifice for the cause of freedom involved losing 2 children and risking leaving the other 5 without mother AND father, by going to fight. Though “The Patriot” is not totally historically accurate, the fact remains that the price of Freedom for the nation of America was expensive and it still is today.

I won’t tell you WHO to vote for in November, but you owe it to the hundreds of thousand lives lost so YOU would be able to safely cast a ballot on the first Tuesday of November. I don’t care if you think the candidates are both jokes, you have been given the freedom to educate yourself on both men and have the freedom to choose one. Whether you like it or not, one of these men will be running our country come November and you choose which one will greatly influence your future and that of your family and descendents. 

Behind the Veil

It was the beginning of summer 2010 and I remember sitting on the plane as it left Germany and approached the Middle East thinking "What am I doing? This is crazy!" I was nervous and I watched while the women on the plane started to put on their burquas and hejabs as they neared their home country. I started to get anxious. Why did I quit my job to come to a foreign country and meet women I didn't know and teach them English? My curiosity had gotten the best of me. I was tired of watching the news about extremist Muslims that wanted to blow me and my family up. I didn't know much about Muslims, but I wanted to. I wanted to get to know women that lived quietly beneath the black veil. I wanted to know about the mysterious culture. Common sense told me that not every Muslim was secretly thinking of ways to kill me. In the U.S. I didn't know many Muslim women and in the Subways of New York occasionally I would see a women with a veil out with her husband and children. I was intimidated now, but it was too late to turn back. I pulled my pink scarf up to cover my golden hair and took a deep breath as I clutched my passport with white knuckles and we neared the ancient land where the history is so rich and deep... 

 My team members and I started taking Arabic lessons each morning of the first week and then we went to the English classroom at the University in the afternoon. The first day I sat down next to a female student. We were both a little nervous, but we began to chat and get to know each other. Gradually each day I got to know the girls a bit better and practiced recognizing each of my new friends by their eyes and their shoes, since each women wore the same black burqua and veil. They were just like myself and other women I knew in the States. Maybe it doesn't seem like much of a revelation, but they were just regular  women. Just as I was a bit fearful and insecure of what they would think of me, they felt the same insecurity! The walls came down for me and I lost the timidity. In the lunchroom an American friend and I walked into the female side of the cafeteria as I was mumbling to myself practicing ordering a water and a falafel in Arabic. The lunchroom got quiet and the girls turned to stare and whispered to each other quietly. A couple girls in line timidly asked us where we were from and we practiced our new phrases like "Asalam Alakum: Peace be to you" and "Tasharafna: Nice to meet you". Ana Ismi Trinity! Aish ismik? The girls got a kick out my Arabic and I gradually became less and less nervous with each interaction. The invisible barriers were coming down...

The dialogue had begun and I've wanted to know more about this mysterious part of the world and the religion behind it all. I definitely found perspective on the journey that summer and was able to build relationships with many young women and experience things many American women would never get to experience... That's why I want to share more of my experiences and learn more from others.