The 2 year itch

"Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

-Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NLT, The Holy Bible)

" Poor cat! Poor slob! Poor slob without a name! The way I see it I haven't got the right to give him one. We don't belong to each other. We just took up one day by the river. I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I'm not sure where that is, but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's."

-Holly Golightly "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Maybe like Tiffany's... or just NYC itself... I should think that journals must be mandatory for people who think about as much and as often as I do. Who else would want to listen to the constant musings of my mind, other than my Creator himself? If I want the thoughts to make some semblance of sense I have to write them down because then I have to follow a train of thought so I arrive at some conclusion. As I attempted to sort through my complex mind through writing my thoughts wandered to the point of wondering how many cities I'd lived in over the last 10 years and for how long each stint... What I came to realize was that I was approaching my limit. I had been back in NYC again for 2 years now and I don't know how much more stir-crazy I can be. In the past, this was usually around the time when I heavily began plotting my next adventure or just started to slowly die inside...

New York City is my "black hole". When I don't know where to go next, the endless possibilities of NY suck me in and I get drawn back into the Matrix! I blend back into the rat race and it's very conveniently never the same because the constant river of life is always flowing with people coming and people going. Most will just ask where you've been and how come you haven't been around  for a long time. It is the only city on the planet that has kept me occupied with adventures and unchecked spontaneity for 2 years straight. Well, that's kind of a lie, because the first year back here this last time around I was all over the U.S. every week for work. Anywho, because New York City never fails to deliver in the area of adventures it's a place where even the strangest of strange fit right in. There is inclusion and room for everyone here. Just choose the neighborhood and BAM! reinvent yourself!! God bless NY for that. It's a false sense of reality though, because its too easy to hide here. You can fly under the radar quite easily. You can play the part and be a fake... There is a new adventure to be had each and every day. The problem is that if you don't take breaks from these adventures and leave for a time you begin to think that NYC is the real world and that it's fine to not know who you are and what you want. It's not.

The closest to alive I've ever felt is boarding a plane for an new destination or hiking a mountain I've never climbed before. All for the thrill of standing at the top surveying the scene, which is at all times quite glorious in unique ways. Where is the best place for the girl who always wants to meet new people from different cultures? for the girl who wants to read every book ever written? and master every subject? I think it leaves me confused because I lack a sense of reality. Where is the line between reality and imagination?
As Christmas approaches it reminds me of the last of my memories of home that I remember... Being the youngest of 5 children and parents that were just zany enough to trust God with every aspect of life, including trans-racial adoption. Because the bullying of schoolmates in my childhood drove me deep into my books, I enjoyed the times when I felt safe. Sitting in the warm family room with my family in pajamas made life appear magical and all was right with the world.

Maybe I haven't felt a sense of home since then. One day this side of heaven I might experience the sense of home once again. Until then the gnawing desire remains and I welcome it gladly now because it is much less painful than giving up hope in the search...