New York Neighbors

 "And I always heard people in New York never get to know their neighbors."

-Paul Varjak "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Occasionally I have a flashback of some of my silly experiences here in NYC...It was the year 2007 and I had graduated from college the previous year and was substitute teaching in Harlem and South Bronx while studying for a Master of Education degree online. I'll never forget the day that I gained all new respect as the token white girl in my entirely Dominican Harlem neighborhood. I got a phone call that Sunday evening : "Hey Trinity! We're downstairs." said the man's voice. I went downstairs,walked outside of my apartment building and headed for the black car waiting on the corner. The Brand-new glossy, black Lexus with 24 inch rims and dark black tinted windows was waiting and I slid in the backseat. There was Stephon Marbury, point guard of the New York Knicks at the time and his sweet daughter Stephanie in the passenger seat. We were doing a quick in-person interview after speaking on the phone a couple times about tutoring Stephanie in her schoolwork as she was just entering middle school at the time. The three of us shared some laughs, had a great chat for 20 or 30 minutes and set up a time for our first tutoring session that coming week before they headed downtown to drop Steph at her mom's apartment. As I stepped out of the backseat and walked back to my building I realized that people were staring at me and as I looked at their faces I realized the expressions consisted mostly of fear and awe. Though slightly confused at first, I realized that they must've concluded that I was involved in the Washington Heights/Harlem Narcotics trade somehow and that I must have some pretty powerful connections they knew nothing about... The thought really made me chuckle under my breath as I thought about how shady that little interview must've looked to my neighbors! lol. From that day forward, in addition to my time hanging out on my block discussing life and God with the local drug dealers, we all became friends and I suddenly acquired a couple dozen neighborhood bodyguards. If a stranger on my block even looked at me sideways my new friends (who were outside 24/7) would call out to me: "Don't worry Neighbor! We got 'chu! He won't bother you." Some of the other guys on the block whom I didn't know as well would say "Good Day Officer" sometimes as I walked by thinking I was an undercover cop. I couldn't convince them otherwise... I had never felt so safe in my life.

This was just one of those "Only in New York..." stories that still makes me laugh to this day.

The 2 year itch

"Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

-Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NLT, The Holy Bible)

" Poor cat! Poor slob! Poor slob without a name! The way I see it I haven't got the right to give him one. We don't belong to each other. We just took up one day by the river. I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I'm not sure where that is, but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's."

-Holly Golightly "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Maybe like Tiffany's... or just NYC itself... I should think that journals must be mandatory for people who think about as much and as often as I do. Who else would want to listen to the constant musings of my mind, other than my Creator himself? If I want the thoughts to make some semblance of sense I have to write them down because then I have to follow a train of thought so I arrive at some conclusion. As I attempted to sort through my complex mind through writing my thoughts wandered to the point of wondering how many cities I'd lived in over the last 10 years and for how long each stint... What I came to realize was that I was approaching my limit. I had been back in NYC again for 2 years now and I don't know how much more stir-crazy I can be. In the past, this was usually around the time when I heavily began plotting my next adventure or just started to slowly die inside...

New York City is my "black hole". When I don't know where to go next, the endless possibilities of NY suck me in and I get drawn back into the Matrix! I blend back into the rat race and it's very conveniently never the same because the constant river of life is always flowing with people coming and people going. Most will just ask where you've been and how come you haven't been around  for a long time. It is the only city on the planet that has kept me occupied with adventures and unchecked spontaneity for 2 years straight. Well, that's kind of a lie, because the first year back here this last time around I was all over the U.S. every week for work. Anywho, because New York City never fails to deliver in the area of adventures it's a place where even the strangest of strange fit right in. There is inclusion and room for everyone here. Just choose the neighborhood and BAM! reinvent yourself!! God bless NY for that. It's a false sense of reality though, because its too easy to hide here. You can fly under the radar quite easily. You can play the part and be a fake... There is a new adventure to be had each and every day. The problem is that if you don't take breaks from these adventures and leave for a time you begin to think that NYC is the real world and that it's fine to not know who you are and what you want. It's not.

The closest to alive I've ever felt is boarding a plane for an new destination or hiking a mountain I've never climbed before. All for the thrill of standing at the top surveying the scene, which is at all times quite glorious in unique ways. Where is the best place for the girl who always wants to meet new people from different cultures? for the girl who wants to read every book ever written? and master every subject? I think it leaves me confused because I lack a sense of reality. Where is the line between reality and imagination?
As Christmas approaches it reminds me of the last of my memories of home that I remember... Being the youngest of 5 children and parents that were just zany enough to trust God with every aspect of life, including trans-racial adoption. Because the bullying of schoolmates in my childhood drove me deep into my books, I enjoyed the times when I felt safe. Sitting in the warm family room with my family in pajamas made life appear magical and all was right with the world.

Maybe I haven't felt a sense of home since then. One day this side of heaven I might experience the sense of home once again. Until then the gnawing desire remains and I welcome it gladly now because it is much less painful than giving up hope in the search...

Jesus and questions

Jesus apparently loved to ask questions. He never told people exactly what to think. He told lots of stories in parable form and asked them questions, burning questions that left the individual speechless. They were speechless for different reasons. Many were offended or defensive, some were shocked and others were dumbfounded because this is the first time they realized they didn't know the answer... Jesus didn't ask questions for himself. He knew the answer, but did we?  He asked not for his benefit, but for the benefit of the person asked. They pierced through to the very center of the person's heart and soul leaving then beneath an avalanche of emotions to begin sorting through. The funny thing about religion is that we have forgotten how radical Jesus was. He didn't come to earth to get everyone in a straight line, like a bunch of programmed well-behaved robots behaving properly and living perfect lives. He was radical. He didn't care about outward behavior as much as he cared about the heart and motives. He came to throw out the law and free us from our crippling pride. Love and pride occupy the same space in our hearts and there is only room for one to stay. Only one of them will make us free. Jesus knew that, but do we?

Really though. The question that pierces my broken heart now is: "Do you want to be healed?" A truly loaded question...

A crippled man lay next to the healing waters in Bethesda. He very literally was AT a pity party, minus the D.J. and VIP guest list. That room was full of people who desperately needed healing.You could find the blind, deaf, lame and crippled of the city in this very hall. The Bible says he was crippled for 38 years.  He had been there a long time. How painful must it have been for him to watch the waters stir and bubble up only to realize that every time they did someone else got to them first and received healing. He knew the routine. Even got comfortable and expected it and nothing more. To feel hope arise, spend time dreaming of what it would be like for a dream to come to and then watch another person live his dream. How many times do you watch that before you lose heart?

The very problem with Jesus' question is that the acceptance of his offer means you have to leave pride and self-pity behind. They can't come too. The man knew them so well though. They were his companions just as they are my companions today. To be bluntly honest, I am used to not being asked out on dates. I am used to not being pursued by good men. I am used to the other model booking the job I want. I have gotten comfortable with surviving and lying to myself. Pain of the past reminds me that desiring more than survival alone has gotten me into trouble in the past. I know what it feels like to be Job during the first half of his story in the Old Testament. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."  Jesus entered the scene by the pool of Bethesda at that very moment, just as he enters the heart of a woman resigned to her cell in the heart of Manhattan... John 5:6 "When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” Jesus knew this was a crossroads for the man who had grown comfortable in captivity, because he had been there so long. C.S. Lewis summed it up well in The Problem of Pain: "A familiar captivity is frequently more desirable than an unfamiliar freedom." What happened when he was healed and free? What would he do then? Makes me think of the inmate in Shawshank Redemption who spent basically his whole life in prison and suddenly found himself on the other side of the gates as an old man. He couldn't handle it and tragically took his life because the weight of the freedom crushed him. The hope we have is that Jesus will show us how to live with freedom. He promises to put an end to our shame and to fight for us (more on this later...)

Will we accept this healing, crush the hindrance of pride and allow our God to do some of the fighting for us and for our heart? He doesn't force us, but he offers joy and company for the journey. We just have to take the first step of faith and "get up"...

Two Roads

A deep desire lies within me... Many of them actually. Funny saying that, because I forgot, or just chose to. My true confession is that I have a hidden talent or habit of stuffing desire. I'm good at it. I can bury it so deeply it will disappear completely. I learned it many years ago. Disappointment taught me to survive by getting rid of those desire I didn't have mental capital or faith to entertain. However, I'm facing a season of life as a woman where they are all rising to the surface at the same time, but I am doing my best to face them one at a time. Back to the one I'm thinking of this morning. Some days I acknowledge it and other days I ignore it. The question still remains. How do I live with it? I desire adventure and simplicity, at the same time. Is it even possible to acquire both of these and at the same time? I see pictures of mountains, forests and cliffs overlooking the sea and even have occasionally gotten to experience getting close to my dream.
Standing a top a mountain is the closest I've gotten. It is one of my favorite places to be in the whole world. It gives that fleeting feeling of ecstasy... the feeling that you completed the journey successfully and didn't give up. I wish life was this simple, but life is more of a marathon based on endurance, than a leisurely day hike. As much as we desire true rest at the end of a long journey this eludes us. The interesting thing about life is that you NEVER fully arrive at the end of enlightenment or growth, not this side of heaven. Sometimes, you may grow and develop yourself so intensely for years that you get to a place where you don't even realize who you've come. For better or worse.
In my case its for the better, but since it also leaves me feeling recently like I'm living someone elses life or that I showed up a bit late for my own. I can't shake this feeling that I've walked into the movie of my own life about 45 minutes late.What happened at the beginning? I don't understand the conflict. What caused the climax and how does the character resolve it? I think it is very possible to be so focused on surviving, providing yourself and distracting the heart with trying to meet everyone elses needs that you wake up one day and realize you don't know what you want and you don't have any dreams left. It is a scary, empty place to be and the reason I know is that I am that person.
That is when you reach a crossroads. You have to decide whether you will give up and let your spirit die or whether instead you will face rising desire with squared shoulders and face set like flint in steely determination. Robert Frost really did describe it best:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

It doesn't matter how many friends you have, how much or that you fight through 8 million souls to get to work on time each day. This place of the journey is one that you face as a lone traveler. No one can make the decision for you. I want to look back at the end of my life and know I took the one less traveled. The one that is too risky for the masses to take... The one where you awaken desire and face it like a champion.
No wonder Solomon, one of the wisest kings to ever live left this advice in the book of Proverbs 4:28. "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life." Many times Christians remain focused on citing this scripture when referring to human love and relationship with a significant other. I think that is missing the point if we camp on that as the only interpretation. If we are spiritual being than there is much more to the condition of the heart in relation to our Creator. There is much more to this scripture and much more meaning to glean from the words of advice. If your heart stops beating in the physical body, then you die. What happens when your spirit stops dreaming?