Behind the Veil

It was the beginning of summer 2010 and I remember sitting on the plane as it left Germany and approached the Middle East thinking "What am I doing? This is crazy!" I was nervous and I watched while the women on the plane started to put on their burquas and hejabs as they neared their home country. I started to get anxious. Why did I quit my job to come to a foreign country and meet women I didn't know and teach them English? My curiosity had gotten the best of me. I was tired of watching the news about extremist Muslims that wanted to blow me and my family up. I didn't know much about Muslims, but I wanted to. I wanted to get to know women that lived quietly beneath the black veil. I wanted to know about the mysterious culture. Common sense told me that not every Muslim was secretly thinking of ways to kill me. In the U.S. I didn't know many Muslim women and in the Subways of New York occasionally I would see a women with a veil out with her husband and children. I was intimidated now, but it was too late to turn back. I pulled my pink scarf up to cover my golden hair and took a deep breath as I clutched my passport with white knuckles and we neared the ancient land where the history is so rich and deep... 

 My team members and I started taking Arabic lessons each morning of the first week and then we went to the English classroom at the University in the afternoon. The first day I sat down next to a female student. We were both a little nervous, but we began to chat and get to know each other. Gradually each day I got to know the girls a bit better and practiced recognizing each of my new friends by their eyes and their shoes, since each women wore the same black burqua and veil. They were just like myself and other women I knew in the States. Maybe it doesn't seem like much of a revelation, but they were just regular  women. Just as I was a bit fearful and insecure of what they would think of me, they felt the same insecurity! The walls came down for me and I lost the timidity. In the lunchroom an American friend and I walked into the female side of the cafeteria as I was mumbling to myself practicing ordering a water and a falafel in Arabic. The lunchroom got quiet and the girls turned to stare and whispered to each other quietly. A couple girls in line timidly asked us where we were from and we practiced our new phrases like "Asalam Alakum: Peace be to you" and "Tasharafna: Nice to meet you". Ana Ismi Trinity! Aish ismik? The girls got a kick out my Arabic and I gradually became less and less nervous with each interaction. The invisible barriers were coming down...

The dialogue had begun and I've wanted to know more about this mysterious part of the world and the religion behind it all. I definitely found perspective on the journey that summer and was able to build relationships with many young women and experience things many American women would never get to experience... That's why I want to share more of my experiences and learn more from others.

Peripety and Chiastic Structure

Esther 2:7 ----------->Esther 2:9

I've been doing Beth Moore's Bible study of Esther looking into two literary devices used in this short book of the Bible. It is the only book in the Bible that doesn't use the name of God at all. it is an intriguing story of a Jewish orphan who later becomes the Queen of Persia and ends up rescuing the Jewish people living in the Empire from a holocaust. Though the hand of God is weaved intricately throughout the background of the book, it is subtle, yet powerful. 

The first literary device is: chiastic structure- inverted parallelism. it is a reversal of structures to make a powerful point. John F Kennedy's quote is a good example: "ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country." It is so powerful to see how God reverses the destiny of a young orphaned Jewish girl and she becomes the Queen of the Persian Empire. The book also shows inverted parallelism clearly in the story of a people group being sentenced to a mass execution by order of the king and to see the reversal of their destiny as the Queen steps up and out in boldness at the prompting of a family member. She uses her influence, at the risk of her own life, to save an entire nation of people by giving them the power and opportunity to fight for themselves.

The lesson I have embraced from the study is that Jesus Christ seeks us out so that He can reverse our destiny. I think of my childhood and the many Saturdays I spent at the community soccer and baseball fields with my mom. This is what happens when you have three older brothers in sports. I sat in the bleachers with my face (thick coke-bottled glasses and all) buried deep in a book. One day mom gently took me by the arm and firmly led me over to another little girl my age. I hid behind her as she attempted to introduce me... This was my story throughout Elementary school. Talk about a reversal of destiny! Later in high school I was voted Junior Class President and Senior Class President and couldn't walk from class to class without saying hello to every other student I passed. Still to this day my career is based on networking and relationships and after college I moved to New York City to start a new life and later lived in Italy and traveled to the Middle East to teach English. My friends watch me at a social gathering and are baffled, when I tell them I am naturally an introvert. A destiny reversed. My love for others and for people in general comes from Jesus. I can't help, but love and desire to get to know others, because each one of us has such a unique story. An epic story that is being written and we, like Esther, are the protagonist. 

The second literary device is called Peripety and by definition is a sudden turn of events that reverses the expected or intended outcome. What is it for you? What transformation and reversal of destiny have you seen or do you long to see in your life? Please know that it is possible. Maybe you grew up a very selfish child who had more than you could ever need or ask for and now you are involved in the community and sharing your excess blessing with those in need. Reversal of destiny. Or maybe, you were shy as a child like me, or even abused, and now you have a message that you need to share with others. You have had an encounter with the God working behind the scenes in your life and you can't and won't shut up about freedom! If you are still waiting for the turn of events to reverse the outcome others might "expect" from your life, than pray to the Living God for him to come and intervene. He will. The Lord longs to show you gracious compassion.

Voices

Last night I was walking past some housing projects downtown on my way to a church event. I was behind a woman and her daughter who were headed back to their apartment with some Chinese Take-Out. I’m not sure what the daughter had done, if anything at all, to make the mother so angry, but the closer I got to them (I walk New York kind of fast…) I heard the mother spitting out the most bitter angry words I have heard in a long time. “You are SO stupid!” “Why are you walking behind me?” “Stop walking so slow or I will punch you in your face!” The woman’s words dripped with pain, bitterness and hate. My heart broke for the daughter who looked to be no more than 9 years old. I wanted desperately to pull the young girl aside, look her straight in the face and tell her those were lies! A loving God who had great plans in store for her future made her. He made her with a plan and purpose in mind. To be free and lead others to freedom. That is His plan for every woman.

As I prayed this morning for that woman and her daughter to find freedom I thought of the voices I have heard in my life from those dream takers around me. Thankfully, not from my own mother, but I’m sure all of us can remember words of failure and defeat that were spoken to us or over us at one point in our past. I bet we can remember these memories with clear distinction. I go back to the day when I sat in 8th grade Science and took out my Cover Girl compact of pressed powder to apply lip gloss. All of the sudden I heard my science teacher yell at me in front of the whole class. “Put away your make-up! That sure isn’t going to help you in life so stop wasting your time!” The room got quiet and I said defiantly “ YES it is! I am going to be a model!” She laughed at me and her voice dripped with sarcasm as she rolled her eyes.“ Yea right Trinity. Sure.” A friend brought up the incident recently. She reminded me that I was doing now exactly what I told that teacher I dreamed of doing. Yes, I’m grateful I didn’t listen to that teacher. I’m also glad that I didn’t give up when all those agents I met with when I was younger said I wasn’t “model material” and I wasn’t in a place to succeed in the industry. I’m glad I didn’t listen. I’m so glad. It's not that God has plans for each of us to be a fashion model, but we all have dreams placed in us. God given desires that sometimes won't go away if there is a calling on our life. We all model something. Let us model courage. Let us model humility and unconditional love. Don't ever try to take someone else's dream or allow them to take yours...

Are there any words that you have played over in your mind and have allowed to influence any decisions or thought process? Please know and be reminded that WE choose who we listen to in our life. There is always going to be someone giving us his or her opinion until the day we breathe our last. It is up to us to choose whom to listen to and choose wisely.

Here are some truths from my maker (and yours) that I cling to daily:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD” –Jeremiah 29:11-14

“For nothing is impossible with God." -Luke 1:37

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." –Deuteronomy 31:8

“For you created my inmost being; 
you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, 
I know that full well. 
My frame was not hidden from you 
when I was made in the secret place, 
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; 
all the days ordained for me were written in your book 
before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! 
 How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, 
they would outnumber the grains of sand— 
when I awake, I am still with you. “–Psalm 139:13-18

If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifies. Who is he that condemns? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. -Romans 8:31b-34

What is a woman of strength?

It's a question that has been at the very least a lingering thought in my mind all of my adult life... I am a very fulfilled young, single woman living in arguably one of the most intense, competitive and diverse cities in the world. Only the strong survive, right? So if I want to survive, than what does it mean to be strong? I'm not satisfied with the vision of a strong woman that I have seen produced in my culture. That's not good enough. I don't want to be cold and isolate my heart on the inside while playing dominant and independent on the outside. Playing it safe in areas of deep longing is not OK with me anymore. I have to reawaken hidden desires and embrace them again.

 Last week I had a conversation with a new friend after church. Most of the conversation was about our singleness, amazing travel and opportunities in our life and how God showed faithful to us through the deferred dreams and heartbreaks of life. I don't know exactly what it was about that night that started to change my heart by first breaking it, but some intense stirring began to surface in my spirit and I came face to face with some old dreams that had been tucked safely away. Tucked away so tightly that I didn't even feel any pang of disappointment anywhere. I might have cried myself to sleep in realization that all was not well in my heart. As a reaction to reoccurring pain I made a vow to myself in the past, "I won't ever hurt like this ever again" and it helped me to complete successful construction of walls all around my heart. As women we often do this to take protection of our hearts into our own hands. It seems like a wise thing to do or even an automatic response to pain. It has just been revealed to me that I have numbed my heart to many dreams. I knew that there were some skeletons in the closet to face and I felt terrified and relieved at the same time. I could be free!!!!! Yes! From what? I feel that I have discovered a thought process in myself that doesn't go along with Jesus' teaching. I can't recall any teachings where he admonishes us to avoid risk and play it safe...

 A couple days later at a women's group we discussed the ideal woman outlined in Proverbs 31. Divine timing. Turns out I'm not the only woman desiring to find solid answers. This quote by C.S. Lewis came up in multiple conversations: "Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

 I'm looking forward to the rest of the journey and more of the risk… “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” -Romans 5:3-5

Why you probably haven't seen or talked to me lately...

There is a good chance you are reading this and wondering why it is so hard to find time to Skype, talk on the phone or even meet for a coffee with me. I'll tell you where I've been. I have been in the process of not only rejecting "the American Dream", but reversing the process that began my freshman year of college when I entered Express in the mall and was offered a harmless student credit card... This past April I began a work schedule that would make a very strong, healthy and busy person extremely tired. I declared war on my personal debt and booked my schedule so full of work that I wondered how many months I would be able to endure 7 day work weeks! Last summer I stopped shopping recreationally shopping and got so sick and tired of being broke, discontent and trapped! I was forced to stop spending and begin living life and making decisions that would stop digging myself a bigger hole. At 26 years old I absolutely refused to resort to bankruptcy! I got myself into this mess and I was going to get myself out with the help of God himself. I moved back to New York City, traveled with the Auto Shows and stayed with hospitable friends again until I could pay monthly rent. As the amount of work and opportunity grew I worked every second that was physically possible. I haven't had the normal relaxing summer most enjoy, but it has been liberating. As the paychecks began to pile up and the hard work caught up with me I started making phone calls. I called Mastercard and gave them ALL their $$, then I called Best Buy and told them the balance was in the account and a couple weeks after that I paid off my VISA online! When I got up each morning this summer to go to work or travel to the next city I had a smile on my face! I was one day closer to owning my life again! As I write this I have been able to pay off over $6,000 of personal debt!! I am following the Debt Repayment tips as outlined in Dave Ramsey's book "The Total Money Makeover". His plan is sound and it works. My new dream is to accept the motto " Have Less. Do More. Be More."

Is is not so important WHERE you begin, but that you do!

It has been a very long time since I wrote. The funny thing is that I compose blog entries in my mind on a consistent basis, but so many creative excuses enter my mind and convince me not to put the thoughts into writing. Sometimes it is the fear of being misunderstood or just plain insecurity. Am I being too candid? too personal? offensive? Sometimes I am just overwhelmed by the range of topics that my mind will think about each day. Should I put them in order, organize them or make categories for them? Who Cares! My new conclusion is "Who Cares! Just Start!" I've gotten to the point that my own indecisiveness and timidity is annoying myself! I choose to embrace the perspective of Theodore Roosevelt: "It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat." I will share my journey with those who want to read....

Don't Waste Your Life

I'm reading a book right now by John Piper on purpose and how not to waste your life. I get frustrated a lot of times because my own mind has its own ideas of how my life can best be used to help protect/save others and further the Kingdom of Jesus Christ on earth. I see consumerism everywhere. I see the obsession with beauty and possession or material things. I go to a shopping mall and I feel like my eyes have been opened. I see it all through different eyes because I used to be one of the girls on a mission to "acquire" more. Like a drug addict I would shop for that extra little fix that would make me feel better for a little bit or receive a sense of newness. It never lasted... My finances were constantly being choked and I wasn't able to save or put money away for the "rainy days" that always came. For years now I've heard tips on how to get out of debt, why you need to get out of debt, etc. I had good, pure motives and I tried many times. I failed over and over again....

Last summer, I had left my full-time job because I felt my spirit dying more and more each day I was in that office between the hours of 9am and 5pm. I quit and traveled in the Middle East for a month in the most sobering experience of my life (more on that to come) and then I returned to the USA, all my money was stolen on the way home and I hit financial bottom. This was last summer I finally realized I was sick and tired of being sick and tired!!! I was broke and though I had many amazing travel opportunities over the years since college I didn't have money to travel anymore until I got a handle on a broken financial situation. As I cleaned out my bedroom last fall at my parent's house and began to pack to return to New York City once more, I was determined to get rid of the majority of my "stuff"!! I traveled so much anyway. Why did I own enough clothes, shoes and accessories for a small village? With an empty bank account and a car FULL of garbage bags I went to the Goodwill and dragged each one inside. I felt less and less burdened with each bag I dropped off. Whenever a future desire or opportunity to shop presents itself I remember the embarrassment I felt inside when I packed up bag after bag, only packing what I wanted to keep. If it didn't fit into my little white car then it WASN'T coming to New York with me!!

Bankruptcy is not an option and I have never considered it. I knew I had options in New York to work hard and reestablish myself. Isn't that was dreamers have done since the great city was founded hundreds of years ago? My dream wasn't to go "Keep up with the Jones" anymore though. It was going to go toward getting financially free and paying back what I owed. World Travel is my desire and the freedom to make my own decisions and not let my finances make my decisions. I'm reading a book that has revolutionized my perspective of money and the role it plays in the life of a Christian. The Bible has more to say about money (about 2,350 verses) than faith and prayer combined... I am soul searching and I plan to find out why a healthy perspective on money is vital to personal freedom!